…This Thing Called Love…
[A Kamenashi Kazuya One Shot]

It’s hard to become angry without a reason. It’s hard to comprehend what you don’t understand. It’s hard to get hurt without the right to feel and be hurt. But isn’t it harder to love someone who sees you as… you have no idea how?

Love: a mutual self-giving which ends in self-forgiveness, self-recovery… and later on, self-discovery

I watched him as he stared out the window of our favorite coffee shop, sipping his drink quietly…

I know he’s thinking of her…like always.

He changes the direction of his glance towards me, and our eyes meet for a few seconds.

I forced a smile before lowering my gaze. I couldn’t look into his eyes without crying…I knew I couldn’t hold back the tears…I just couldn’t.

It’s been six months since she passed away, but her memories remain with him. He treasures them as if they are the world to him…as if he’ll loose a part of himself if he didn’t.

I’m leaving tonight and he doesn’t know. I’m leaving not because I’m tired of being by his side…but because I know that she was the world to him…the position I’ve wanted to have even before the accident.

Besides knowing that I might never see him again…the most painful of all was realizing that no one can ever replace her…nothing I do can change how much she meant to him…

Why is it that when you fall in love, you become stupid? Is it because it becomes wrong even if it’s right? Because you become weak even if you’re strong? Is it because you give without asking for anything in return? Or is it because you’re happy even if it hurts?

[[[…Flashback: Two Years Ago…]]]

“KAZU-KUN!” I yelled to the guy leaning out the patio at the end of the hallway.

He turned his head slightly towards my direction then stared off into the distance again.

I ran up to him as quickly as I can and when I got there, I could tell from the sad expression on his face that he already knew.

I stood there in front of him with both hands on my knees, panting.

When I finally caught my breath, I straightened out and gave him the biggest smile I can.

“Have you heard?” I asked cheerfully.

He looked at me seeming uninterested with what I have to say. He took a deep breath and answered, “Nande?”

I clasped my hands together and looked up into the sky and then at him. “Ayumi-chan and Keito-kun are finally an official couple!” I told him with great excitement in my voice, fully knowing that it will hurt him badly.

He tightens his fists and pretended to be ignorant of the fact, “Hontou ni?”

I can hear the anger and disappointment in his voice, but I didn’t care. Call me selfish and cruel, but I wanted to see his reaction upon hearing the news. I wanted to see the pain in his eyes as I told him that the girl his world revolved around have been swept away by the guy of her dreams.

Ayumi-chan was a year older than us; she was a senior and Kame and I were both juniors. We all went to the same high school and have been close friends since childhood. Kame considers her as his first and only love, but she on the other hand only sees him as a little brother and a friend. Everyone knew he was in love with her, but she’d never accept him. Even if it was like that, they were still seen as “the perfect” couple, and I was the third wheeler who always eased her way in between the two. People told me to stay away and just let them be…let them develop the same feelings for each other…but I just couldn’t. His feelings for her is the same exact feeling I have for him…so how did they expect me to just back down and watch by the sidelines, hoping for them to be happy together?

As days turn weeks, and weeks into months, Ayumi-chan’s and Keito-kun’s relationship remained strong while Kame’s hopes started to fade away slowly.

I stayed with him throughout the whole time hoping that one day he’ll say those words I’ve been dying to hear…And that day did come.

We were walking home from the restaurant where Ayumi-chan’s birthday party was held, and where Keito-kun got down on one knee and gave her the promise ring he had been keeping since Christmas.

It was pouring hard that day and Kame chose to walk home in the rain.

I ran after him, and when I finally caught up, he stopped walking and turned to face me. He grabbed both my arms and kissed me forcefully as he pulled me closer to him. My eyes shot open and I was taken by surprise. But the thing was…there were no sparks in the kiss…no tenderness…no love.

As our lips part he stared into my eyes and said, almost emotionless, “Let’s go out.”

A smile quickly traced over my face as his words entered my ears. He was finally asking me to be his…and I didn’t care if he meant it or not… it was the chance that I’ve been waiting for…I was finally his girl.

Our relationship wasn’t like what I expected it to be. Yes, in the eyes of the entire student body, we were an “it” couple just like Ayumi-chan and Keito-kun…but unlike their relationship that was full of love and compassion, ours was…lifeless. Kame was never any fun to argue with cause he never got mad enough to even have an argument. He remained quiet most of the time, and when I try to be sweet to him, he usually finds something else we can do “together.”

There were times when I wanted to let him go…when I wished I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we have. But I couldn’t…because I knew he won't come after me, and I guess that was what hurt the most.

So, I remained by his side and as time continued to pass, our relationship got better as he finally decided let her go…or so I thought.

We were at my house that night of the accident, studying for our midterm exams.

He was sitting next to me with this bright smile on his face, and I could see the happiness in his eyes…but that smile quickly faded as soon as he picked up his phone.

I watched as his expression changed and tears begin to form at the corners of his eyes.

He dropped his phone to the floor and dashed out the front door like a mad man.

I picked up his phone and from the other line, I can hear a woman sobbing loudly.

“Moshi moshi?” I said softly through the speaker. “Anoo, daijoubu desu ka?” I asked, worried.

The woman in the other line turned out to be Ayumi’s mom. She told me, in her trembling voice, that Ayumi and Keito had just gotten into a fatal car crash on their way home from Osaka and that Ayumi was in the ICU that very moment, fighting for her life.

My mind goes blank and I felt my body go weak…it can’t be true…this isn’t happening…everything was so sudden…

I hung up the phone and stared at the door Kame left opened as he rushed out. Tears quickly fall down my cheeks as different thoughts entered my head.

After regaining my strength, I followed Kame to the hospital.

I stared at him as he sat on the chair right outside her room, waiting impatiently.

The doctor finally came out and he closed the door quietly and gently behind him. He stood there in front of Kame with his gaze lowered. I saw him shake his head remorsefully. He patted Kame’s shoulders and left.

I watched as Kame fell to the floor…it seemed as if his whole world has collapsed…it came crashing down…shattering before his eyes.

Ayumi-chan died that day and so did a part of Kame.

I remember he once told me that I reminded him of her…that he saw her in me…and at that point, I realized why he asked me to be his girlfriend. It wasn’t because he looked at me as more than a friend…it wasn’t because he liked me…no it wasn’t anything like that...It was because I reminded him of the girl he has devoted himself and gave his whole heart to.

After that accident, I sometimes catch him looking off into space…and I couldn’t do anything but just watch and be there for him.

One night as I was heading down to the grocery store, he hugged me tightly from behind and whispered in my ears, “Arigatou gozaimasu…for everything.” He took a pause and continued, slowly releasing me, “If not forever, stay with me for the longest time you can.”

At that moment, I realized that I couldn’t leave him…at least not yet.

[[[…End of Flashback…]]]

I was never my real self, when I was with him…I’ve lost my true self with all those lies, and trying to be someone that he wanted…someone that he can love. I’ve lost the real me, trying to be her…All this time, I’ve pretended to be blind…and I let him pretend to love me back…but it stops right here.

[[[…Back to Present…]]]

He walked me to the door of my apartment and kissed me goodnight.

As our lips part, I whispered those three words that would decide everything, “I love you.”

He stood there smiling slightly, brushed my cheek, told me goodnight, and left.

I walked inside my empty apartment and closed the door silently behind me. I stood there and shut my eyes.

His reaction was expected. I knew he wouldn’t say it…I knew he couldn’t say it…cause he wouldn’t say something he doesn’t mean.

Same as how tears rolled down my cheeks, I slid to the floor slowly.

As much as I wanted to…I couldn’t stay.

This chapter of my life is done, but just like how the story goes on…so does life.

I waited an hour and grabbed my luggage. I picked up the envelop on top of the counter and stared at it; it was an acceptance letter from the school I’ve dreamed of attending ever since I was a child. After working my ass off, I finally received that full scholarship.

I held on to the letter tightly as I closed the door behind me.

I never looked back.

Downstairs awaited a cab that would take me to the airport and there, a plane that would take me to a place for a new beginning.

I patiently waited for time to go by…and as each minute, each second passed…I felt the distance between us growing farther and father apart.

My flight is called and I aboard the plane…

I left my life that day…I left him…I finally let him go…without a proper goodbye.

... I wish I could say I hope he finds what he’s looking for, but we both know it doesn’t exist...at least, not anymore.

If You Just Realized…A Kim Hyun Joong One Shot

…Love that we can not have is the one that last the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest…

Kim Hyun Joong…The best friend who…

1. Walked me to and from school everyday.
2. Came to the rescue that time I accidentally tripped and twisted my ankle during the school play.
3. Never minded watching chick flicks every Friday night at my house.
4. Always came up with excuses to get me out of trouble even though I clearly deserved a punishment.

The best friend who…I fell in love with all and who in turn loved me just the same, but we were never officially together…

Yeah…he was mine and I was his…or at least that’s how it seemed until the end of high school. After graduating, he didn’t exactly move away, instead we started to drift apart. Though it seemed like we’ve become strangers, we somehow manage to always cross path…getting accepted to the same college, taking the same courses, being in the same classes…and now working in the same music industry…Clear signs that we should be together, but no. He’s currently the boyfriend of the CEO’s daughter, and me…I’ve just gotten engaged to the heir of a multi-million dollar clothing company.

[[[…]]]

People think it's holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it's letting go…so how long am I willing to hold on, how soon should I let go…?

Everyone is gathered around me as they watch me place the last of my things in the box sitting on top of the desk. I glance over at their faces and smile sadly, thinking of how much I’m going to miss them.

“Ya, why do you have to go move to France?” Tae Hyun, one of my co-workers asks. “You do know they don’t have good food there like we do here in Korea right?” He turns his body away from me and crosses his arms, “You’ll miss my cooking, I tell you. Miss it!”

I let out a small laugh, “Mianhe.”

Min Ah, my other coworker and close friend, thumps Tae Hyun in the head, “Ish! You’re just jealous she’s getting married before you, old man.”

She turns her attention to me and smiles, “Ya, you’re one lucky girl, ne. He seems like he really loves you.”

“Sarang?”

I glance over to the left and see him standing at the end of the hallway. I smiled and look back down on my now empty desk, getting lost in thought.

Min Ah taps my arm lightly, “Be a good wife, arachi?”

“Ne,” I reply.

After saying my final goodbye to my coworkers, I pick up the box and head for the elevator, passing him as he talks to another employee.

He glances at me and I give him a nod and a slight smile. That smile quickly fades away as the elevator door closes. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall, letting out a big sigh.

Ding! The door opens and I step out into the lobby, then outside into the cold.

The rain is pouring hard.

I rummage through my bag hoping to find an umbrella, but found none. “Aish! Stupid rain…”

I slump down on a bench nearby and watch as thousands of raindrops hit the concrete ground repeatedly, suddenly remembering all those times we played in the rain together; how one always manages to get sick right after and the other has an obligation to take care of them. I smiled at the thought.

“Oo,” someone says as they hold out the steaming cup of coffee in front of me.

I turn my head slowly and look up. It’s him.

As I reached for the cup, our fingers touch sending me down memory lane once more. I take it quickly from his hand and look away, “Kamsahamnida.”

He smiles sweetly and takes a seat next to me with his legs crossed…All those years, it still has the same effect.

“Finally leaving, huh?” He asks.

“Ne,” I reply somewhat cheerfully.

“Mianhe yo,” he starts in a serious tone.

I take a sip of coffee, staining the cup with my lipstick, “Weyo?”

“…Of how we-- of how things ended up like…” He trails off.

I remain silent, not knowing how to respond.

He clears his throat and continues, changing the topic, “So how are you and your boyfriend?”

I hold out my hand where the eight carat diamond ring sits, “…fiancée.”

He takes a glance at the engagement ring and quickly looks away, sipping his coffee quietly.

“…he proposed to me yesterday,” I tell him with a forced smile.

“Well I’m glad you found your happiness with--,” he lies.

“Please stop telling me you’re glad I’m happy with someone else,” I rudely cut him off.

There’s a moment of silence.

He leans forward, his elbows now resting on top of his knees, and looks off into the distance.

“Do you love him?” He asks, breaking the silence.

“Do you love her?” I answer him with the same question.

There’s another silence.

“Mianhe,” I say softly.

I take another sip and stare blankly ahead. “Hyun Joong oppa…Kim Hyun Joong,” I begin.
“…Haven’t you ever wondered what should have been, what would have been, what could have been…if it were us instead of you and her?”

He turns his head and looks at me with those glistening eyes of his, remaining silent.

I smile slightly with sadness visible in my eyes. “There were so many times I’ve wanted to let you go, and there were so many times I almost succeeded…but every time, I fail to do so. You know why?”

Without looking at me he responds, “Weyo?”

“Because just one look from you, everything comes crashing back down, and that question keeps on popping in my head, ‘What if?’” I take a pause as tears begin to form on the corners of my eyes. I breath in deeply before continuing, “I don’t have the strength to let you go…to throw everything away…to let go of that chance that one day it will be just like how it was before…how it used to be…and maybe even more.”

A tear slowly falls down my cheek without my knowledge. “Every time I see you, I just want to scream to the world, ‘Hyun Joong oppa…saranghae,’” I say in a soft trembling voice. “I love you so much that it hurts so badly.”

More tears continue to run down my face and I wipe them away quickly realizing how pathetic I must look right now.

He sits up without taking his gaze of the pouring rain. “Do you still love me?” He asks in a reserved manner.

He looks at me and we stare at each other finally hearing those unspoken words and seeing those mutual feelings in each others’ eyes that has been dying to come out all these years.

“Say yes and I’ll forget everything…I’ll leave everything to be with you,” he begins.

I’ve waited for so long just to hear him say those words, but we both know it’s too late. My eyes begin to water again and I turn my gaze away from his, not wanting him to see the hurt in my eyes…

“Geu man hae (Stop it),” I force myself to say. “All this time I wanted time to go by more slowly, to stand still,…but then I realized…I’ve already waited too long…So stop it. Please…let’s just leave it at that.”

We sit there in silence, watching the rain starting to die down just like how our conversation is about to end.

When the rain finally stops, he stands up and forces himself to smile. “We may not have been lovers kissing each other, holding hands, exchanging I love you's...but one thing is for sure...when I find another one like you...I’ll marry her…I’ll always look for you in her,” he says softly.

I smile slightly, touched by his words. He turns to leave and I remain seated on the bench.

“Kumawa yo,” I say loud enough for him to hear.

He stops walking, and listens attentively to what I have to say without turning around.

“Kumawa yo,” I repeat. “For everything…for giving me the chance--for letting me see you as my first love…ani,” I correct myself, “For being my first love…”

He quickly turns around and before I know it, he’s standing in front of me with his arms
around my body, embracing me tightly.

I close my eyes as he reaches up to kiss my forehead lightly and whispers softly in my ear, “Sometimes you love something so much that it hurts to leave it, but you must. Sometimes it hurts too much to hold on to that thing you love. And sometimes you let go of what you love because it hurts, but then just sometimes... you get it back and live happily ever after…If we ever meet again in our next lives…can you promise to tell me you love me?”

I nod slightly and he slowly releases me from his embrace. He looks down on the ground and then at me, “Annyeong.” With that he turns to go.

As he head back inside, I hear his footsteps die down as he walks off and out of my life.

I gather my stuff and continue on my way, stopping after a few steps. I turn to look back for the last time. I gaze at the rotating doors of the building and smile, “Oppa…be happy. Arachi?”